E PLURIBUS MORON

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Newsweek loves Barack Homobama

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There’s nothing like breaking historical barriers that you did not actually break, right? Ya know, like that time Jackie Robinson became the first black male Miss America? Anyway, today we have another great and undeserved moment in American history, as Newsweek magazine has erroneous dubbed Barack Obama “The First Gay President” for his support for marriage equality.

Unfortunately for Newsweek, Obama is not gay. Now as you may recall, Bill Clinton was labeled as “The First Black President” despite being white but it was for a good reason: he was pretty damn black. But Barack Obama both isn’t gay and isn’t that culturally gay either. Have you seen his famous collection of horrible dad jeans? I’m not sure the gay community wants to be represented by a man who is A. straight and B. owns so many pairs of pleated pants.

Finally, even if Barack Obama was gay, he would not be the first gay president. Pres. Buchannan had a famously ambiguous relationship with a fellow Senator and never married. And let’s not forget about Dwight Eisenhower and his “roommate” Jeffrey (so many summers at Tanglewood, so many unanswered questions).

What’s up Newsweek’s erroneous sleave for next week? I’m thinking a cover story about John Travolta’s legal problems entitled “The First Straight Movie Star (who totally isn’t wearing a toupee)”…

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 14, 2012 at 9:42 am

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