The Next Criterion Collection candidates are…
I know we’ve been talking a lot about politics this week, so let’s take a minute to consider something horrifying NOT related to the upcoming election.
The makers of Disaster Movie and Date Movie have announced plans to produce The Starving Games, which has got to be a parody of some other film, I just am not clever enough to tell you which! These films have been created by Jason Friedberg and Adam Seltzer, who have perfected a winning comedy formula of taking a bunch of unrelated and overexposed pop-culture icons and having them fart on each other on screen for 86 minutes. Plus, while Friedberg and Seltzer undoubtedly “write” their films in a singular demented coke-binge, the vagueries of assembling the remaining cast of MAD TV and the time it takes to get corporate sponsorship mean these shitty jokes are totally out-of-date too! They’re awesome.
So if these films are so breath-takingly lazy and intellectually-offensive, why do studios keep greenlighting them? Well, teenagers need somewhere to go on Friday nights to drink 36-ounce sprites and give each other hand jobs, right? You can’t blame America’s parents for demanding a place to dump these little brats.
Still, I feel like we as a nation could do better by our children. I mean, I don’t want to sound too harsh here, but Friedberg and Seltzer would make excellent candidates for banishment. Plus the mansions they bought with all the money they made from the _____ Movie movies should be burned down and the ground sewn with salt so that nothing may ever live there again. But like I said I don’t want to sound too harsh.