We had some elections last night?
According to my sources, last night several states held some sort of selection process for a person or persons or popular initiative by voting. I think it’s called an…election? I thought we had all agreed that now that Romney has secured the nomination that we were over that shit but I guess I was wrong.
Anyway, here are some big things that happened in yesterday’s elections:
6-term senator Dick Lugar (né Penis 9mm) was defeated in the Indiana Republican Primary by State Treasurer Richard Mourdock. Republican voters, who now just behave like obnoxious 15-year-old step daughters, hated that Sen. Lugar was well liked by both parties and had tons of experience and accomplishments. The nerve of this guy! I say good riddance to extremely capable rubbish.
In West Virginia, Barack Obama eked out a victory in the Democratic primary over Keith Judd, who is currently serving 210 months in state prison. Judd, who received nearly 40% of the vote, is now entitled to a delegate at this year’s convention in Charlotte, where he will no doubt make demands the Democratic Party’s platform include a provision mandating that toilet wine and toothbrush shanks be made deductible business expenses.
Finally, North Carolina passed a very unconstitutional constitutional amendment banning gay marriage because apparently the second a man adopts a French Bulldog or a woman gets a Home Depot card, they wave their 14th amendment rights. Not only am I opposed to this on human rights grounds, but also as an environmentalist. What a giant waste of paper to print out copies of laws that will just be repealed in 10-20 years anyway. Think green ya idiots.
Oh Democracy, you stupid bitch…