E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Not so much “How” but “Why”

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The whitest thing in the world, after zip-lining and any grape jelly, is pretending that you are 1/32nd Native American. Let me be the first to tell you that no, you are probably not 1/32nd Native American.

I wish I had gotten this message across to Elizabeth Warren earlier, the Democratic nominee for Senate from Massachusetts who is under pressure from a bizarre scandal where she claimed special status because of her minor Native American heritage. Let me just say that it would be weird if this bizarre collective lie we tell ourselves (that great-great-great grandma banged a Cherokee warrior) derailed the campaign of this really impressive woman. It would be best I think for her just to change the subject.

Thankfully, as a Jew I know that my great-great-great grandma was just trying to flee the Kosacks, so I have no delusions of a proud Indian past. Sure, Jews pretend to be 1/32nd Sephardic (the cool Jews from the Mediterranean), but that’s just to justify eating large quantities of hummus.

Still, let’s all acknowledge how wonderful it is that we finally live in a nation where people can get in trouble for lying about being a minority, and not lying about not-being a minority. Try running for Senate in 1812 from Massachusetts and tell people you’re 1/32nd Iriquois…

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 4, 2012 at 11:18 am

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