E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Chick-fil-Assholery

with one comment

Thanks to Gawker‘s intrepid reporting, I can stand to work in the professional world we here at EPM have recently learned that Chick-fil-A is run by a bunch of crazy right wingers who donate your fried chicken money to anti-gay groups.

Now, with the exception of some Southern gays who read this blog (Hi Brandon!) everyone knows that gays avoid Chick-fil-A because it’s empty calories and those are meant for vodka (plus, ya know, the name just butchers the French language). Not a big surprise there. What is a big surprise is that Chick-fil-A defends its bigoted charitable donations by saying, in the words Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy, that they’re corporate mission is “to glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us, and to have a positive influence on all who come in contact with Chick-fil-A.”

Well guess what Mr. Cathy, I just got off the phone with Jesus Christ himself and not only does he think it’s unholy to hate your fellow man, he is especially pissed off that Chick-fil-A thinks it’s glorifying god by clogging Americans’ arteries with the fried meat of mutated chicken monsters. Did God invent the chicken? Possibly. Did he invent the chicken nugget? No. That was Satan (why do you think those little sodium bombs are so irrisistable?).

So there you have it: Chick-fil-A is part of Satan’s plan to enslave us all. Praise Jesus and his healthy (and sustainably produced) fried fish sandwiches!

PS- For further information, Eliza C. Thompson, our Drector of Sustainability and Fried Chicken Products, recommends you watch this video.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

April 19, 2012 at 3:44 pm

One Response

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  1. What if their corporate mission is to make you die faster and go to heaven sooner?

    List of X

    April 19, 2012 at 6:28 pm


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