E PLURIBUS MORON

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Would a rose by any other name smell as felonius?

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In our latest installment in the series “Naming your children awful things will lead to their demise”, may I present the case of an Indiana woman who too closely lived up to her name.

Fellony Silas, age 30, was arrested yesterday for “felony battery after she allegedly struck a woman in the head with a glass at an Indiana bar.” Now part of this is not her fault: if you were a resident of Indiana you would drink yourself into a violent stupor too. But I can’t help feeling like fate, or at least some really irresponsible baby naming book, is partly to blame here.

Indeed, I believe that we as Americans need to return to our aspirational roots. If you are going to name your child after the crime you expect them to eventually commit, how about a fancy crime that you can be proud of?. I’m thinking something like “Securities and Exchange Fraud Berkowitz” or “Perjury before Congress Jones”. You’re really only as classy as the crime you are named after and then three decades later commit.

An additional and little known fact: Tommy Lee is the stage name for “Felony Spousal Assault Papadopoulos.”

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

April 17, 2012 at 10:18 am

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