E PLURIBUS MORON

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In what might be the strangest news out of New Jersey since Chris Christie was spotted declining seconds, a study released yesterday found that New Jersey had the least corrupt state government in the country.

State Comptroller Pat Scioffigliano-Rodriguez-Moskowitz-Rodriguez appeared before the media with a black eye and a thumbless hand in a cast, praising the news saying “We are so proud today that our ~coughs up blood~ state is now free of corruption. In addition, please do not tell my wife that I love her as this ranking was made WITHOUT anyone burying any of my colleagues alive in cement.”

So how has New Jersey managed to do such a fine job of cleaning their act up? It certainly didn’t bribe its way into a lack of corruption with a truck-load full of stolen cigarettes if that’s what you’re suggesting! Rather the Garden State got their corruption down with good old fashioned “increased transparency” and “new ethics rules” in both State government and the governance of other important New Jersey organizations like the Teamsters, the Latin Kings, the Cosa Nostra, the Crips and of course Uncle Morty and his sheisty friends.

I feel as clean as though I had just bathed in the Ramapo River (note: under no circumstances should you enter the Ramapo River unless you are conducting a study of the effect of superfund sites on abandoned shopping carts).

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

March 20, 2012 at 2:02 pm

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