E PLURIBUS MORON

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Mitt Romney goes to the Election Arcade

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Last night was a huge night for Rick Santorum. It’s pretty incredible to think how Rick, with no money, no talent, and politics that about 80% of Americans reject, can keep coming back time and again and winning elections. But here’s the problem: Santorum isn’t winning. Sure, he has bested Romney a couple of times, but as we learned today, even though Santorum won the big prizes of Mississippi and Alabama it was actually Romney (thanks to proportional appointment) who won the most delegates last night.  

So how can this be? How can the person who loses the two big contests come out on top? Here’s how it works: Romney both won Hawaii and then spent and spent enough to win a solid number of votes. It doesn’t matter that he is not the best liked candidate because taken together that netted him more delegates than Santorum. It’s like going to the arcade in that if you put enough quarters in the ski ball machine you will just keep winning tickets. The difference here is that instead of redeeming these tickets for some piece of shit water gun or giant stuffed animal, you get to redeem them for the weird elderly white people who serve as Republican Delegates.

Indeed, our laws of economic karma suggest that if you’re REALLY wealthy (like Romney) you just can’t lose. Remember when Wall Street assholes tanked the world economy with their assholery, then got massive bailouts while everyone else suffered? Well it turns out money now buys you good luck too.

Clearly, Karma is a bitch. But then again, so is Santorum…

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

March 14, 2012 at 4:46 pm

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