E PLURIBUS MORON

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Aloha Oy (these candidates are terrible)

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Over the past few days, Americans have come together to make their pick for the Republican nominee for President. Oh I’m not talking about Mississippi or Alabama who voted yesterday (that’s for another exciting hyper political post), I’m talking about America’s wonderful colonial empire!

People forget that America still controls all kinds of little islands (one of them even adorably thinks it’s a state!) in the Atlantic and the Pacific; sure enough though the savages that populate these islands get to vote too. Like in Hawaii, where Mitt Romney won last night thanks to a strong turnout from the $10,000,000 Hawaiian beach mansion owner vote. Plus Hawaii is secrely filled with very tan mormons. No really, it is.

Romney also swept the Guam and Northern Mariana Islands primaries, pandering to the crowd by dressing up in a grass skirt and, somewhat like he did in Mississippi, telling the audience he had a breakfast of “pineapple, cheesy taro and of course the roasted flesh of his tribal enemies”.

The big story though came last night when Ron Paul finally won a caucus vote, beating Romney by 3% to finish first place in the all important swing state of the U.S. Virgin Islands. Of course, because of the arcane rules the govern this caucus, Romney actually gets more delegates than Paul. Nonetheless it was a huge night for Paul, not only because his hardcore libertarian politics proved they mesh with the laid back style of the islands, but also because it is shows that people agree with Paul’s plan to sell the Virgin Islands for gold.! Shiny nuggets of gold!

So why didn’t Santorum or Gingrich do better in these places? Well Santorum couldn’t fight his missionary impulses and tried too hard to clothe people who already had clothing. For his part, Gingrich reminded locals too much of the fat angry boar from Lord of the Flies. On to Puerto Rico and the next stage of the American Vacation Primary!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

March 14, 2012 at 8:49 am

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