E PLURIBUS MORON

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Les Miserables: Super Tuesday Live Blog

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It’s Super Tuesday! And since my new favorite TV show, RonPaul’s Drag Race, isn’t on tonight, I thought I’d keep you up to date on this enormous day for our nation’s miserably drawn out primary. I’ll break down analysis state by state for your convenience:

Vermont (8:00 pm): Mittens wins! I’m not positive he’ll get a Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream flavor though. Still, I’d rather eat Romney Rum Raisin than ~shudder~ anything “Santorum” flavored.

Virginia (8:00 pm): Mittens wins! Of course only Ron Paul was on the ballot. Poor VA resident Gingrich couldn’t even vote for himself. And as we know there is no one who likes Newt Gingrich better than Newt Gingrich.

Georgia (8:00 pm): Gingrich wins! Good choice Peach State: sounds to me like Hotlanta is about to get a moon base. Just what Jermaine Dupree has always wanted!

Tennessee (8:35 pm): Santorum wins! This is big news as it shows that Romney still can’t win in the South. Of course who gives a shit about that in the general? A Republican winning the South is like Snooki doing shots after a successful trip to the obstetrecian: It’s a sad foregone conclusion.

Oklahoma (8:46 pm): Santorum wins! How ironic that homo-hatin’ Rick, of all people, should win a state that inspired one of America’s favorite rootinest tootinest musical.

Massachusetts (10:10 pm): Mittens wins! Oh yeah I forgot about this one because, as we all know, Massachusetts is a liberal myth invented to scare Republicans and set EVERY Mark Wahlberg movie.

North Dakota (10:31 pm): Santorum wins! It’s no wonder he won: North Dakota has all that oil and as we know, Santorum looooves a gusher.

Idaho (11:15 pm): Mittens wins! Thank goodness Mitt owns a couple of ski chalets in Sun Valley, amiright?

and others…

Mittens wins both Ohio and Alaska! The knockout blow he hoped to score tonight was more like a kitten batting at your nose. Still, Romney’s got sharp kitten claws! And this primary lives to see another day…

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

March 6, 2012 at 8:33 pm

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