E PLURIBUS MORON

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The sad gooey truth about Global Climate Change

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This unusually warm winter did more than just ruin sales of Furry Lady, E Pluribus Moron’s line of Cashmere Underwear for plus-size women, it also wreaked havoc on our nation’s most precious export: maple syrup.

Sugar maples are only capable of producing syrup if the weather is cold enough and since this winter was as unsuccessful as a mid-season TV show about a psychic emergency room doctor (note to self: write and sell screenplay about a psychic emergency room doctor), our nation’s maple syrup production this year has been seriously compromised. We can now add pancakes to polar bears and mild june days on the list of things that global climate change has just completed destroyed.

I’m actually genuinely upset about this, and not just because a bad year for maple syrup could endanger my new high-end liquor Maypl, a maple flavored vodka perfect for breakfast martinis or your next high class Canadian orgy. I think if we explain to people in no uncertain terms that global warming could spell an end to American maple syrup they might care more about their carbon footprints.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

February 21, 2012 at 12:48 pm

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