E PLURIBUS MORON

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Presidential Primary Pathos

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You know you’re pathetic when people in Michigan think you’re too depressing to handle. Such is the upcoming Michigan primary, which Michigan born Mitt Romney is desperate to win after losing the past three caucuses to an anthropomorphic sweater vest named Rick Santorum.

Romney, for his part, is criss-crossing the state trying to remind everyone about his father, the popular governor of Michigan in the 1960s. The problem of course is that Romney the Elder was a moderate, so Romney the Younger can’t exactly tout his father’s record: rather Mitt is choosing to focus on his father’s folksy background. In a bizarre story that only he would tell, Mitt Romney recently talked about his father’s working-class credentials, saying his dad once apprenticed as a carpenter and could  “take a handful of nails, stick them in his mouth and then, you know, spit them  out, pointy end forward.” Okay….

While stories like that might rile up the nail spitting vote, the rest of this race is pretty pathetic as Romney can’t seem to edge out Santorum in the state he was born in. Couple this with the fact that Gingrich can’t seem to get a commanding lead in his home state of Georgia and there is only one inescapable conclusion: this group is so unlikeable that they can’t even win their home states.

Watch out for Rick Santorum’s mom to endorse Romney any day now (“My son is unfit to lead and doesn’t call enough!”).

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

February 21, 2012 at 10:39 am

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