Perry’s out, Santorum’s clout and Newt Gingrich is a Piece of Shit
Yikes, if I didn’t think everyone would stop reading this blog en masse I could post like 100 articles today about those Republicans and their contest to become the next Miss Teen USA!
But let’s start from the top: Rick Perry has dropped his wacky bid for President where I guess he ran as one of the Texas retards that George Bush loved to execute. I’m not sure how serious he was anyway, but this end is pretty ignominious for someone who made such a splash when he entered the race. If however it turns out the campaign was a piece of post-modern art exploring the alienation of the petty bourgeoisie in the post-industrial era, bravo Rick! Someone get this man NEA funding…and then make him happy by shutting down the NEA.
Next, a perhaps more alarmingly, Rick Santorum has been certified the winner of the Iowa Caucus by just 34 votes, robbing Romney of the W. If this doesn’t prove what I said earlier about Iowa being a weird national joke (like the tabloids celebrating Ryan Seacrest’s relationship with some girl), I don’t know what will. Congratulations I guess? He both won Iowa and is the only Rick left in the race.
Newt Gingrich, that megalomaniacal lump of mashed potatoes, has started to surge in South Carolina! I wish him well. Too bad his ex-wife Marianne doesn’t: she’ll appear on ABC News tonight to talk about how Newt wanted “an open marriage” and how he both was fucking around on her as he was impeaching Bill Clinton and divorced Marianne as soon as she found out she had MS. I’m sorry I called you a lump of mashed potatoes Newt: you are in fact a lump of shit. That was unfair to potatoes.
Phew! What a day. I hope all this news doesn’t make Jon Stewart explode: he’s the Frederick Douglas of short men.