E PLURIBUS MORON

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Walk Away, Jon Huntsman

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Like a poor old dog that can’t make it up the stairs anymore (although in this case the pup was never particularly healthy to begin with), Jon Huntsman has ended his campaign for the Republican nomination. Romney is officially the only candidate left who I wouldn’t be terrified if they were in control of our nuclear launch codes. That sucks.

Indeed, as many people have likened this race to a shitty Reality TV show (Herman Cain is sooooo the Danielle Staub of the bunch isn’t he?) Hunstman’s non-bombshell leads us to one inescapable conclusion: Mitt Romney is the Kelly Clarkson of this race. By patiently waiting for his other lesser competitors to flame out (remember Rick Perry in the ballad episode singing “The Power of Love”? Dreadful), these competant, minorly affable and totally unexciting people made it to the top.

The difference between Clarkson and Romney is huge though: she went to to sing some amazing pop music thanks entirely to Swedish pop-juggernaut Max Martin and the killer jams he produced for her. Mitt Romney doesn’t have that: he rocks as hard as, say, his fellow Mormon’s the Osmonds. And not popular 1970s Donny and Marie, bloated botoxed 2010s Donny and Marie.

So there you have it, folks: Mitt Romney is the Kelly Clarkson of this presidential election cycle and Ambien is likely to lose millions of dollars as America cruises snoozes through November…

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 16, 2012 at 2:16 pm

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