E PLURIBUS MORON

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Mountain Goo

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While the scientific community continues to ignore my studies showing a link between Mountain Dew consumption and ADHD, chronic masturbation and dangerously high levels of bro-ing out, science has confirmed that Mountain Dew is gross for other reasons.

This has come to light with a current legal case, where a man is suing Pepsi, the makers of Mountain Dew, because he found a dead mouse in a can of their neon green soda. That’s gross, right? Better just pay him off and not let the story get any grosser? Wrong. Pepsi plans to invalidate the man’s legal claim by using experts who will testify that were the mouse actually in the soda at the time of bottling, the chemicals in Mountain Dew would have to the mouse’s remains into a “jelly-like substance.”

What a brilliant legal strategy! It’s a bit like being in a big public celebrity divorce and announcing “listen Katy Perry honey, I couldn’t have given you the herpes because I banged that Mexican whore; As everyone knows Mexican whores give you syphillis, not the herp. You must have got those burning herpes sores from someone else.”

Gross and innocent until proven disgusting and guilty, right? The American justice system works!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 5, 2012 at 9:35 am

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