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Dispatches from Crazytown: 24 hours to go, I wanna be sedated

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Only 24 hours until the Iowa caucus! If it was possible for the media to have a boner, the news networks would be at 15-year-old grinding at a dance level of bonerage. They’re going nuts! That aside, let’s look at some important stories with just 24 hours to go:

It seems that tomorrow Mitt Romney may just win! Yes the candidate who was laughed out of the Republican race in 2008 is somehow the man to beat in 2012. And here’s why: he’s so hip! Sooooo hip. Notorious flip-flopper Romney said yesterday that “The gap between (Obama’s) promises and his performance is the largest I’ve seen…since the Kardashian wedding and the promise of until death do we part.” Honestly all sarcasm aside I would love to meet the sad, 35 year old staffer who wrote that joke for Romney.

Rick “I can’t imagine what you find funny about my name” Santorum is surging in the polls! And why not? I’ve always thought his plans to turn around the world economy by, I don’t know, making sure gay people can’t own ice cream trucks, would go well with Iowa’s psychotic Christian conservatives. And now the 19 Kids and Counting people are stumping for him! So for those of you who are paying attention support from Academy Award winners=bad, support from people who are famous for having big floppity vaginas=good. The only thing I worry about is that if Santorum does well it might change his Google results! That would be a legitimate tragedy.

We’ll check back in tomorrow. We.Can’t.Wait.


Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 2, 2012 at 8:14 pm

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