E PLURIBUS MORON

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Teenage Social Network Assassins, Attack!

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The days of politicians half-heartedly embracing social media (well, non-perverted social media) are over! It seems like Tila Tequila, Tori Spelling and other relentlessly useless famous people, politicos just spend all day having people google their names.

Take Kansas Governor Sam Brownback, whose office, in an attempt no doubt to make sure that no one in his state was using birth control, came across a nasty tweet from High School senior Emma Sullivan. Sullivan tweeted “Just made mean comments at gov. brownback and told him he sucked, in person”, which led the Governor’s office to contact her school and demand she apologize.

Now before you say that this is a ridiculous waste of the Governor’s office’s time and a really weird abuse of executive authority, high ranking members of Gov. Brownback’s office have leaked me classified documents explaining what happened:

You see, when taking office the Governor began a covert mission establishing an elite squad of bitchy 15 year old girls to monitor his social media presense, making sure that no one calls him a “fat skank” or says “he totally gave an over the pants handjob to that loser Kyle Wilson.” Modeled off of Qadaffi’s Amazonian guard, these Myspace Ninja’s may not break necks, but they certainly can cause lifelong self-loathing and eating disorders, which in a way is much much more devastating.

Sullivan has declared she won’t apologize, but I think we can all agree if she doesn’t want a cunty cyber throwing star in her back, this HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT will do the right thing and apologize for hurting A FUCKING GOVERNOR’S feelings.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 28, 2011 at 11:23 am

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