E PLURIBUS MORON

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Santa 2011 and the Ho Ho Homeless

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Yikes. This might be the most depressing news item of the year: The New York Times is reporting that America’s most prestigious Mall Santa-training school is teaching it’s Kris Kringles (note: is he like Kardashian?) to be jolly in this recession as they “swiftly size up families’ financial circumstances, gently scale back children’s Christmas gift requests and even how to answer the wish some say they have been hearing with more frequency — ‘Can you bring my parent a job?'”.

Now while this story may make you want to hang yourself with your holiday lights (or festively defenestrate yourself), here are some examples of how Mall Santas can make recession Christmas fun and affordable!

Santa: And what would you like for Christmas little boy?
Little boy: I want a puppy!
Santa: Who wants an expensive dog when you could have a…free raccoon! (Hands red bag with thrashing animal inside).

or

Santa: Hello little girl! Have you been naughty or nice?
Little girl: Nice! And I want a new doll house Santa.
Santa: Well why would you want a pricey new little doll house when your neighborhood is chock full of free and big foreclosed homes for you to play in?

or

Little girl: Santa, can you find my mommy a new job?
Santa: No but if she wants to meet me in the parking lot in ten minutes she can have a swig of Santa’s gin and a hit of Special K!

Ohhhh god this story is sad. Still, there is a silver lining: a degree from a Mall Santa School, unlike a traditional university, actually lands people jobs! Maybe it’s time for Oberlin to drop Queer Studies and start teaching (Rein)deer Studies…

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 28, 2011 at 12:59 pm

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