E PLURIBUS MORON

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Laser Beams of Pure Conservative Nonsense

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File this one next to the “Kardashian divorce” in the dumb-things-that-aren’t-very-shocking category…

Farleigh Dickinson University in ~blech~ New Jersey released a fascinating poll examining how well informed people were based on their primary news sources. Because the bear pope shits in the catholic woods, the poll found that “Fox News actually leads people to be less informed than those who consume no news at all.” That of course can’t be right, as their War on Christmas stories are meticulously fact checked. 

Indeed, this finding leads us to a startling astrophysical and epistimological truth: Fox News is to information as matter is to dark-matter. They’re polar opposites who make each other explode! One can then say that because Fox News actively makes you stupider, that it’s really the nitrous oxide whip-its of the news media. Funny, you’d think that their viewership would then be fewer older white people and more bored suburban 15 year olds…

Anyway, this all means that thanks to our nation’s robust Military Industrial Complex, Fox News is likely to be weaponized so that our troops may shoot laser beams of pure conservative nonsense into our enemies skulls, whiping their minds clean. This will in turn be a whole lot easier and cheaper than our military’s current means of scrambling someone’s brains, namely huge quantities of Jagermeister.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 22, 2011 at 2:51 pm

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