E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Chicago: An Ojibwe word for Democratic Swamp Monster

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Time was only the East and West Coasts received the scorn of conservatives. But poor Chicago, stuck in the friendliest part of the country, has become a punching bag for the Right ever since Obama got elected president.

Case in point: you’d think the Herman Cain sexual harassment scandal would have little to nothing to do with the City by the Lake/the City that will Stuff Anything with Cheese. But you’d be wrong. When Sharon Bialek (who looks like the hottest teacher in your middle school) came forward to say that Herman Cain has been inappropriately sexually aggressive towards her, Matt Drudge was quick to point out that Ms. Bialek was from Chicago (ominous thunder clap). This can only mean one thing! She’s a 1920’s musical gangster! Or maybe she’s secret the child of Bill Ayers and Jeremiah Wright’s gay marriage. Either way she’s the bride of Satan and a liar.

So why do conservatives hate Chicago so much? You’d think they’d love it: Milton Friedman lived there, everyone is armed to the teeth and a slice of their pizza has well over 2,000 calories. Sounds like paradise to me! Sure the city’s politics are corrupt and the weather is mostly atrocious, but conservatives should know that pointing towards Chicago as an example of the failures of the urban/liberal mindset – when just about everyone agrees its features some of America’s great urban successes – won’t really score them political points.

Plus, come on, who doesn’t like John Hughes’ movies? If you want to pick on a city I’m sure Akron would just be happy to receive a little attention…

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 8, 2011 at 10:50 am

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