E PLURIBUS MORON

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Rant: Beyonce Baby Bump Boondoggle

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I’m just going to put this out there: Saying that Beyonce’s baby bump is fake is the new saying Barack Obama’s birth certificate is fake.

Oh sure, I’ve seen those weird pictures of her stomach, but my guess is it was just an unusual moment. It’s pathetic that in the United States in 2011 you can be the nation’s most successful pop star or the country’s freakin’ President and if you’re black you’ll be treated with suspicion. We claim to be a country where anyone can become anything regardless of their background, but in many many ways that’s not true.

Why would Beyonce lie about being pregnant anyway? What does she stand to gain? She’s already incredibly wealthy and the Queen of our nation’s hippest trailer park! Why would she fake having a kid? Torie Spelling, Hilary Duff, anyone who has ever been featured on a reality show—those are the people who would fake a pregnancy to remain relevant. But B? She is revelancy!

Of course, if for some bizarre reason this thing turns out to be true, we should give Beyonce a pass. I mean, look at how Chris Brown got a pass for savagely beating his girlfriend. His music isn’t even that good! Surely Beyonce, who created some of history’s greatest booty shakers, could be given a pass for misdeeds up to, say, detonating a suitcase nuke.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

October 31, 2011 at 10:09 am

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