E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Economic Justice served with a side of Quinoa

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You know why liberals hate the Tea Party? Their rallies, unlike the Haverford College Sociology Department colloquiums that leftists are used to attending, are not catered.

So naturally then organizers of Occupy Wall Street have brought in well known chefs to feed the hungry masses—the only problem is that the people preparing this food are now “angry about working 18-hour days to provide food for “professional homeless” people and ex-cons masquerading as protesters“. Plus ya know, they have to feed all those indignant undercover Fox News employees rooting around the place for Communists and Anti-Semites and whatnot.

Chefs are fuming that they are not only preparing food, but fine food like “salmon cakes with dill sauce and quinoa salad”, and it’s still falling into the wrong hands. They served delicious quinoa and now people are shocked that vagrants are taking advantage of this? Good Lord how could they be so naive: everyone knows that the homeless love quinoa. Seriously if they could make gin out of it I think all of the bums in our country would move to the Andes.

Indeed, as the Occupy Wall Street protesters fight to preserve the American dream, they must also recognize and equally important part of the American character: people love free food. As a non-feudal society where food was never off limits, Americans believe it is their God-given right to get a free Chiptole burrito. Basically, if you’re going to serve people fancy free food it will attract freeloaders—there is no way around it.

Of course, one might say that it is the height of hypocrisy to hold protests about economic equality and then get upset when the wrong people eat your bougie food, but then you’d just sound like those rare moments when Bill O’Reilly makes sense. And nobody wants that…

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

October 27, 2011 at 11:52 am

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