E PLURIBUS MORON

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Your boo-dget/slut-dget

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Halloween, or “Tranny Christmas” as it is otherwise known, is almost here; You know what this means—time to throw down a lot of cash on a cheap polyester ninja costume! The National Retail Federation’s 2011 Halloween survey found that “total Halloween spending is expected to hit the $6.9 billion mark, or roughly $72.31 per person. That’s up 19 percent from $5.8 billion last year.”

$72.31 is so much money per person! Candy and plastic pumpkin pales can’t cost that much. So after some well-placed/threatening phone calls to the statistician that prepared this report, I got the break down of Halloween of 20-somethings by gender:

20-something women:

$18.45 for cheap slutty lingerie

$4.86 for the cat ears to match that cheap slutty lingerie for a sexy cat costume

$18.99 for red velvet cake vodka because Red Bull is gross on its own

$8.02 in donations to Elizabeth Warren’s senate campaign. Unlike you, she can prove that women are smart and capable.

$14.00 for a cab ride home because you will not vomit on the subway. Not twice in one year any way.

$7.99 for Netflix when you realize your computer will be the only thing in bed with you tonight

20-something men:

$43.50 for a disgusting poop or sex based Halloween costume

$18.99 for red velvet cake vodka because the slut in the cat costume refuses to drink beer

$5.00 for ecstasy you buy to feel young but you know that even at 25 you’re too old to take.

$4.82 in hand moisturizer. Jergens shall be your girlfriend tonight.

20-somethings offended by the concept of “gender”

$200,000 for tuition to Bard

$800,000 in life time rent subsidization by your wealthy parents

Happy Halloween you craven costume sluts!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

October 17, 2011 at 9:29 pm

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