E PLURIBUS MORON

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Tweenmander in Chief

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As the primary season draws closer and closer, candidates will soon be fighting for the key endorsement of Gov. Chris Christie. But as we learned recently, Gov. Christie gave some advice to New Jersey sixth grader Zach Martini about how he could win his student council election; unfortunately, despite Christie advice and endorsement Martini lost. Who knew that have Christie as an obese hectoring political fairy godmother wouldn’t work? 

However, I’d like to point out that there is a major upside to this story: For you see, with no electoral experience, close ties with Chris Christie and since he hasn’t even gone on a class field trip to the Air and Space Museum, Zach Martini can claim the true Washington D.C.-outsider political cred that will rocket him to the front of GOP Presidential Candidate pack. Watch out Herman Cain! You may have a seventh grade undertstanding of world politics and economics, but this kid has a SIXTH grade understanding. Republican primary voters are gonna love that!

Martini’s only stumbling block? Whether or not to institute mandatory vaccinations for cooties. Well that and all the awkward boners he is sure to get towards the end of his first term in office. That is going to make speaking at the UN a hilariously embarrasing proposition…

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

October 10, 2011 at 10:42 am

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