E PLURIBUS MORON

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America’s next financial bubble: Giant Pumpkins

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If I know anything about America, and I think as a French major I do, it’s that we as a people are highly competitive and see vegetables not so much as a source of good nutrition but as a way to feed that competitive spirit.

That’s why I found this New York Times article about the race to grow a one ton pumpkin so fascinating and terrifying. It’s clear that all the factors that led us into our current credit crisis are at work in our nation’s competitive pumpkin growing industry.

You see, no one yet has grown a one ton pumpkin, but that isn’t stopping people from trying. Grower Don Young of Iowa told The Times that he “spends $8,000 a year on his pumpkin (growing) hobby, money he admits he does not really have. His modest one-bedroom house is smaller than his backyard.” I mean, I suppose growing a pumpkin that’s bigger than your house isn’t the worst investment, but despite what Mother Goose would have you believe unconventional houses – like the Gingerbread House in Hansel and Gretel and the shoe that the old woman lived in – don’t really retain their value well.

If that wasn’t enough, apparently the seeds from giant pumpkins are the new 2 bedroom condos in West Palm Beach, Florida (i.e. investment items with wildly inflated prices). As I’m sure you know, big pumpkins produce big healthy seeds, and according to this article after growing a 1,810 pound pumpkin, a man sold just one of its seeds for $1600. $1600??? That better come with a pumpkin spice flavored half-key of cocaine!

Maybe we need to turn this into a positive: perhaps the one ton pumpkin could be our new Apollo Program, giving our nation a crazy dream to inspire us all. Don’t say it’s impossible! Somewhere in America right now someone is working at become the first one ton person – I don’t see why we can’t expect the same from our pumpkins.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

October 6, 2011 at 9:10 am

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