E PLURIBUS MORON

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Falling Satellite Death Count: Still surprisingly at zero

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As if the month of non-stop rain in the Northeast hasn’t convinced you to bring an umbrella to work today, perhaps the chance of being hit by a falling satellite will. A NASA satellite called UARS will be crashing to earth sometime today, although NASA isn’t quite sure where or when. The school bus sized satellite weighs 5.7 metric tons, which isn’t as scary as it sounds because let’s face it, metric tons are kinda gay.

Sure, there is a 1 in 21 trillion chance that you’ll get hit by this astro junk, but better safe than sorry! So here is our emergency list of ways to keep safe today:

Don’t Panic: You don’t want to be labeled the “Death from Satellite Girl” at work

Find out if Space Garbage is Compostable: Broccoli planting season is here!

Take out massive “Death from Satellite” Life Insurance Policy: Sure the premiums are expensive, but today their finally worth it

Blame Obama: Gotta program 24 hours a day of Fox News somehow, am I right?

Blame Bush: Gotta program 24 hours a day of MSNBC somehow, am I right?

Get a burrito at lunch: Death from Above is both a band and a great excuse for fattening Mexican food.

Stay safe, y’all!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

September 23, 2011 at 11:07 am

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