E PLURIBUS MORON

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An end to Never-Ending pasta bowls?

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Have you ever been to an Olive Garden? If you have it was probably with an older, overweight relative who lectured you about the government never gave him a break (despite being on Medicare and Social Security) while everyone ate a full two pounds of chewy penne a la vodka. Yum!

Well Michelle Obama has partnered with Darden Restaurants Inc., which owns such wonderful chains as Olive Garden and Red Lobster, to bring healthier food to Route 9’s finer strip malls. Indeed, Darden is now “pledging to cut calories and sodium in its meals by 10 percent by 2016”. By 2016? Listen if you make “food” that can’t immediately be made healthier chances are five years of scientific breaththroughs won’t help.

Okay so yeah reducing calories and sodium are noble goals, but there is an essential problem here: massive portions of fried shrimp and pasta carbonara can never be made healthy. One fatty meal won’t kill you–neither will one cigarette. But do you know where Never-Ending Pasta Bowls end? IN YOUR PLUS SIZED GRAVE.

It’s best to avoid these places all together, if not for you waistline, then because they are miserably depressing. Seriously, spend 5 minutes in an Olive Garden and tell me you aren’t worried about the fate of this nation. I dare you. 

PS-Don’t call me a snob either because girrrrrrl Red Lobster is expensive!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

September 15, 2011 at 4:48 pm

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