Sorry, the United States is not Hiring
Dear Applicant, The United States has received your resume and portfolio and we regret to inform you that due to current circumstances (hurricanes, lack of credit, the invention of the Triple Double Stuff oreo) we are not able to offer you a position at this time. We will however keep your resume on file, should we be taken over by the Chinese. Sincerely, U.S. H.R.
So I don’t know how many of you woke up with this letter in your Inbox today, but according to the U.S. Government our country’s economy added ZERO jobs last month. Zero. Looks like we need a jobs plan! I’ll make things a little easier on Obama by announcing my plan to boost employment:
1. Attack the Moon– She is a coward who only shows herself at night
2. Start collective rice farms– Say what you want about the Khmer Rouge, they did have a very low unemployment rate
3. Stop counting the “FUNemployed“-You know, ignore that kid Josh from your freshman hall who now just WOOFs
4. Make all the unemployed Obama administration interns– I think 9.1% of people are qualified to fetch Barack his coffee.
5. Prayer-Who needs a job when you’ve got Jesus?
6. Raise taxes very slightly on the top 1% to pay for massive infrastructure improvements, vocational training, green job initiatives and end tax loop holes that allow big companies to pay no taxes while small companies get eaten alive by international competition/global economic forces.
Wait that last one wasn’t funny…