E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

The old recession womp womp

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Man the DOW Jones went down harder today than a drunk 16-year-old at a college freshman mixer. Looks like we might be headed for a double penetration dip recession folks! And with all the cutting of spending in Washington this one has no way out other than praying to Jesus and sending desperately needed campaign contributions to Newt Gingrich.

That said, when the DOW sinks 512 points like it did today, here are some helpful tips to stay sane: 

-Don’t panic. If you must though try to panic creatively. Putting together a “My 401k has just been decimated” collage can be soothing and will really brighten up the box car that you’ll be forced to live in when you retire.

-Try to figure out how sturdy your apartment’s ceiling fans are: if/when you decide to hang yourself from them you want to make sure they don’t break. You don’t want to fail at killing yourself AND lose your security deposit. Not in this economy.

-Cat food and pate are really very similar. No one at your book club will know the difference.

-Read this New York Times article on Fashion camp to help plan your bloody revenge against the Bourgeois. But not the boys at Fashion camp—they’ve suffered enough.

-Selling your blood is a great way to make $25 and super hip now thanks to those vampires from Twilight and True Blood

Very slightly raise the marginal income tax rates on the top 2% so we don’t need to slaughter the working classes.

 Just kidding omg rotfl!I guess what worries me most is that if 2008 is back, does that mean I need to start caring about Heidi and Spencer again? Because I can’t…I just…I can’t…

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

August 4, 2011 at 4:01 pm

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