E PLURIBUS MORON

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You can’t beret the truth forever…

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Funny hats have always been central to military fashion: the romans had their famous helmets, the Prussians had their head gear with the points at the end and we here in America have our embarassing looking berets. Nothing like tying one’s military in with the French amirightfolks?

Well that’s all about to change, as the Army announced that they are dropping the beret from their uniform: while this news seems inoccuous (unless you’ve just returned from a life changing semester abroad in Paris), the truth which I will reveal here is actually much darker and more sinister than you could imagine!

After a FOIA request, EPM uncovered this shocking truth: You see, during the Cold War the military spent $3 billion determining whether or not homosexuality existed and if they could weaponize it- but reading one uber-bitchy review by New York Times Theatre critic Ben Brantley proved the gays were weaponized enough as is. Serving openly was still illegal however, and so the military decided to use jaunty hats as a way to attract ruthless-yet-closeted recruits. Now hoever, since Congress has overturned DADT, gays and lesbians can serve openly in the military and thus ridiculous head wear is no longer needed. It’s really a victory for all of us.

And there you have it! The fiendish truth about berets. Now onto the macabre and unholy history of the Panama hat…

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 16, 2011 at 9:57 am

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