Trader Joe? He trades in PAIN
In the 1970s, the only slap fights going on in the Upper West Side of Manhattan were between the gays and the heroin dealers. Things have changed a little since then, evidenced by a trial starting today where Marcella Caprario, an opera singer, has been accused of assaulting Dr. Cathleen London, Cable News contributing doctor.
Were they fighting over some prime real estate? Their child’s admission to Dartmouth? No. These ladies got into it because of a box of frozen Pad Thai at Trader Joe’s. (By the way, I can’t help picturing a police officer, played by Danny Glover, getting the call about a fight in progress at the 73rd street Trader Joe’s and him going “again? What is with this place? I’m getting too old for this shit…”)
You see, London called out Caprario and her husband for being too harsh to their son when he jokingly refused to hang them the Pad Thai. Being an abrasive Cable News contributor, Dr. London got all up in Caprario’s face and Caprario claims she had no choice but to slap Dr. London. The Pad Thai was unharmed.
It is the kind of stupid vulgarity that makes me hate Trader Joe’s: this kind of thing would never happen at Whole Foods, where people are good to each other. Also, fisticuffs are especially unlikely a Whole Foods, as you might have to pay for what you break and one errant punch could lead to bankruptcy.
Additionally, I would argue Trader Joe’s is to blame because their obnoxiously colored Hawaiian shirts drive people to MADNESS. Case closed!