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Point-Counterpoint: A Kardashian Engagement

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For those of you curious why it was raining blood and frogs earlier, news broke today that reality TV megastar and meth-based diet pill spokewoman Kim Kardashian is now engaged to NBA Player Kris Humphrey. Now our nation must ask itself how it will handle it’s brightest star/most lusted after ass entering the world of matrimony. Will our presses explode? Can Ryan Seacrest/our Republic withstand that level of excitement? To discuss the threat this wedding poses to our national security here is a segment (featuring guest writer Leah Franqui of the fabulous blog Embrace the Stuggle) that we’re calling “Point Counterpoint”…

Point: I just…I can’t. I can’t Kim, okay??

By the Editor of E Pluribus Moron

 Kim Kardashian: you’re such a sweet girl who is very pretty and as the internet has proven really knows how to get plowed. But when I found out that you were getting married to a guy who both is 7 feet tall and spells his name the exact same way your mom does well….I just can’t. I’m sorry.

It’s not that I am afraid I’ll lose my shot at loving you, rather I cannot handle the press-tsunami that will be associated with your nuptuals. It’s too depressing. I would literally rather that the U.S. started bombing Syria for that would be less grizzly and cause less woe and misery for the average news consumer.

We just slugged our way through a Royal Wedding and now, as the Queen of reality television, you’re asking us to deal with another one of those things? There are so many important issues facing our nation right now, from the three armed conflicts we’re engaged in to the anemic economic recovery that will all be swallowed up by the media juggernaut that will be the Kardashian wedding. Indeed, leading economists have warned we’re fewer than a dozen “Kim’s Perfect Bride Body!” articles away from total collapse!

So Kim, in exchange for not getting married and not destroying my life and our nation, I will allow you to release one pop album. I really only have the energy to mock that one major project of yours right now.

Counter-point: I refuse to give a shit about this

By Leah Franqui

Ben, first of all, thank you so much for inviting me to discuss this important breaking news. Second of all, who the hell is Kim Kardashian? No, I’m not kidding, who is this person? Because she looks like a femmebot, she dresses like a super fancy escort, and she talks like Princess Jasmin from Aladdin. And I’m not really sure what she does for a living. And all the Ks in the name, it’s very upsetting. So who is she? And why should I care? Oh, I’m sorry, that’s right, I don’t….

You know what was kind of cool? The royal wedding. I’m not usually one for an outdated monarchy that drains it’s taxpayers while having no actual power or purpose, but I do so love the BBC, so I did enjoy watching fairly attractive people (I mean, it’s all relative on that island, right?) wear amazing outfits and crazy hats and pledge their troth. That thing is an EVENT. Posh was there. Kate Middleton had a lifetime original movie made about her. These people are real celebrities. But if you think I’m going to waste time and energy that could be spent watching BBC miniseries and drinking on this wedding between one of many reality tv brunettes and some super tall guy, well, you’ve got another thing coming. Call me when Lohan has a commitment ceremony.

HMMM, interesting discussions all around. Of course, it may seem strange to have a Point-Counterpoint where both sides argue that Kim Kardashian is a stupid whore and that this will end badly, but wouldn’t you rather be right than have editorial integrity? If Fox News has taught us anything than no, no you would not.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 25, 2011 at 4:12 pm

One Response

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  1. […] by noted celebrity expert and theater blogger extraoridnaire Leah Franqui to discuss the news that Kardashian had just gotten engaged to NBA play Kris Humphries. America was a different place when that news broke 159 days ago: 9-9-9 were lottery ticket […]

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