E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Oh you mean THAT apocalypse…

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Like most Americans, I spent Saturday waiting for the rapture to free me from the looming disappointment of The Hangover 2. I laughed in the face of those who said the rapture would take place that day but lo, I how wrong I was.

Harold Camping, the President of Family Radio and the man who had promoted the May-21st-as-the-apocalypse meme, is now saying that Saturday was a day of “spiritual” Judgment “which places the entire world under Christ’s judgment.” The real End of Days Camping now insists will occur on October 21st of this year. Is it a coincidence that on October 21st hell spawn Kim Kardashian turns 31, almost the age of Jesus at his death? It absolutely can’t be.

But more importantly, what does this mean for us mortal souls? Well it means that nothing we do now matters, as we have already been judged by the Host of Hosts, and now all we can do is sit back and accept it like a maid at Arnold Schwarzenegger’s house. I found one look forward to the ability to bunch old people in the face and eat delicious puppy flesh knowing I have already been judged.

Assuming you don’t agree with my looting-and-random-unprotected-fucking interpretation of Camping’s teachings, let this (and the fact that Rudy Guiliani may run for president again???) teach you that sometimes it’s okay to admit you were wrong and quit with a little dignity. Here that, producers of American Idol?

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 24, 2011 at 1:33 pm

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