E PLURIBUS MORON

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Pawlenty races out of the gate at 10 mph

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Unlike when Americans chose a podiatrist or a roofer, we tend to like our Presidential contenders to have a little flair; any campaign that leads with “He’s no Brad Pitt but he’s someone you could grow old with” is doomed to defeat.

Enter Tim Pawlenty, Minnesota governor and fan of Hockey violence. Pawlenty, whose DNA is currently being study to isolate compounds that might one day cure insomnia, announced he was running for President today, and told supporters that his campaign “may not be the BMW or Mercedes…but it will be a good solid Buick and maybe even trending towards a Cadillac and that will be enough for us to be competitive and win.” Wait Buick? Was he paid to say that? Because if so it could spark a VERY dull bribery scandal.

Obviously Romney was alluding to Mitt Romney when he discussed “BMW” presidential campaigns, which is exciting because it means we just saw the first “my opponent is a Nazi” line of the 2012 campaign! Hooray!

When it comes down to it, however, this may in fact be a brilliant ruse to get old people to vote for him as they are the only Americans left who want to purchase Buicks. Indeed, perhaps he wanted to assure them that unlike Romney’s turn-on-a-dime politics, if Pawlenty shifts his politics it will be as slow, wide and frankly dangerous to human life as Grammy is when she changes lanes.

I can’t wait to watch him coast to victory, going 15 mph in a 45 mph zone with his left tail light on.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 23, 2011 at 3:11 pm

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