E PLURIBUS MORON

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Steven Blair, an epidemologist at the University of South Carolina (which no doubt once classified “Uppitiness” as an epidemic among a certain tanner part of the state’s population) has announced a new killer stalking Americans today: sitting.

Blair’s study looked into men with heart disease, and found that “those who were sitting more were substantially more likely to die” from cardiac ailments than those who stood around a lot. See Congressional Republicans? Those soup lines you’re creating are a good thing.

Still, the sad truth is that Americans might be the only people on earth who are so unhealthy that sitting can be considered deadly. Well, that and maybe people from some really awful 3rd world nation, but my guess is the North Koreans don’t die from sitting while watching Law and Order reruns (because there the show is just called ORDER). 

But it’s not all bad news you guys! Suddenly the “enhanced interrogation techniques” used at Guantanamo, which included making detainees stand for hours on end until they cracked, was actually heart healthy!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

April 25, 2011 at 4:05 pm

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