E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Someone get this ‘Crow’ a hairdryer!

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As America works on pulling itself out of the dumps, it’s up to Hollywood to make us feel better about ourselves and put a little spring back in our step. Unfortunately for us, Hollywood can’t just stick 305,000,000 Americans into Dancing With The Stars to reignite our careers like it’s doing with Ralph Macchio, so, ya know, they’re gonna make a dumbass movie instead.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, Bradley Cooper (star of The Hangover and your brunch waiter’s gay fantasies) is in talks to star in the —wait, what? This can’t be right. It is? Shit why did I give up Vodka for Lent?—remake of the emo classic The Crow. Ya know, because there is nothing angstier than a chiseled and indefatigably cocky Bradley Cooper.

Who needs sci-fi vengeance when you can just watch Bradley Cooper eye fuck the camera in ghost make-up? I sure don’t.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

April 13, 2011 at 5:47 pm

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