Try the Cran Boleyn, the Bran of Cleeves or the Catherine Parr-amel
Unless you’re a Tea Party member who refuses to acknowledge the existence of that Socialist dystopia called the United Kingdom (if God doesn’t hate them why is the weather like that?) you’ve probably heard that Prince William and his gf Kate Middleton are getting married April 29th. To honor this grand moment, Dunkin’ Donuts, America’s most regal donut chain, is releasing a Royal Wedding themed donut on sale from 4/24-4/29.
The donut (pictured above) was created by Dunkin Donuts’ master baker Nigel Travis who is himself English. Since when did having an ENGLISH head chef become something to brag about? What, do they have an Spanish Director of Effeciency and a French Head of Security? But I digress: In addition to that, Baskin Robbins (which is owned by Dunkin Donuts) will be releasing a Royal Wedding themed ice cream cake, which is only appropriate to purchase for your wedding if takes place on your 16th birthday/on the way to the hospital to give birth/all of the above.
So what the hell is going on exactly? What does the way overhyped wedding of a future powerless figure head to the UK’s soul attractive woman have to do with donuts? Well unless they are making some meta-commentary about how the average modern marriage is much like this special donut -i.e. fattening and for a limited time only- then nothing.
But this silly idea does do some good: it shows why gays need to be allowed to marry. Many Gays and Lesbians have impeccable taste, and don’t serve deep fried pastries that their weddings (think artisinal goatcheese cake and granola), and so their marriages could both help our national obesity problem and get back at our hated colonial masters the British.
I now pronounce you delicious!
PS-Thanks to my husband, Jacob Cadwalader Weisfeld, for the wonderful donut puns in the title. Our love is strong, baby!