E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

And you thought the Grammies were meaningless…

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There was once a mythical sea that bordered the United States called (and I’m translating here from the Atlantis Greek “The Gulf of Mexico”). Then, maybe as some kind of viral marketing campaign gone wrong, this company Transocean had some massive safety violations which led to a deadly explosion on a BP owned oil ocean drilling platform and millions of barrels of oil flooded into this mythical sea. Had it been shaken by a violent earthquake, or I suppose stirred with a giant wisk, the sea would have been a vinaigrette.

So I was confused when Transocean announced that it “recorded the best year in safety performance in our Company’s history, which is a reflection on our commitment to achieving an incident free environment, all the time, everywhere” and was giving its executives with awards and bonuses. How uniquely greedy and ignorant of them! It’s truly wonderful to have a national business culture that rewards catastrophe with cold hard cash and shiny medals!

That said, I think if Transocean is going to give itselfs big awards to cover up devastating failures, they should also endow the following awards:

The Caligula Awards for Mental Stability goes to…Charlie Sheen and his equally award winning stage show!

The Richard M. Nixon Award for Biggest Conspiracy Victim goes to…Sarah Palin for her role in the LAMEstream media’s “blood libel”!

The Captain and Tenile Award for Sexiest Thrille goes to…Katherine Hiegl and Ashton Kutcher in the movie Killers!

The Man Chair Memorial Award for Healthiest Lunch Option goes to…KFC’s Double Down sandwich (do they still sell those or have all the customers who bought it died?)

The Joseph Goebels Award for Unbiased Journalism goes to…Fox News Me!

Stay tuned for more Award winning sarcasm!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

April 4, 2011 at 11:18 am

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