Man chair: Our nation’s leading love expert

Anyone who is single and reads the following story without thinking “God what am I doing wrong” must have emotional problems…

On Sunday, police in Bellaire, OH were called to help take a morbidly obese man to the hospital because his “skin had become attached to the fabric of the chair after he sat in it for two years.” Anyone wondering if someone in America had a shittier past two years than Lindsay Lohan now has their answer, right?

Police revealed that the man, who got stuck to the chair because his bedsores had fused to its fabric, was able to stay put for two years because his “girlfriend served food to him, since he never got up”. Man chair is dating someone? What did they meet on the morbidly obese version of J-Date, XXXXXXL Date?

My question now isn’t so much how could someone do that to themselves, rather I am much more interested in the dynamics of dating someone who is so fat and lazy they have fused to an easy chair. I picture people asking the girlfriend “What does your boyfriend do for a living?” “He’s a chair” she replies. “A department chair?” the person asks. “No bitch he’s an actual fucking chair!” she retorts. And what happens when the Man Chair and his girlfriend get in an argument? He tells her “Go on! Get out of my face! like you can land a man who isnt fused to a piece of furniture…”; She goes to a bar, gets wasted and goes up to a table full of guys asking “Any of y’all attached? Not married I mean but like, actually attached. To the table”. Eventually, they tearfully make up and he pledges to love her forever, saying “Baby I will never leave you again. And not just because this thing doesn’t have wheels!”

Thank goodness we live in a country where not only do people routinely get so massive they need to call the police to move them to the hospital, but also that those people can find love. Awwwww.

UPDATE: Oh this isn’t funny: Man Chair has died. Pour out a 40 for our favorite plus-sized paramore.