E PLURIBUS MORON

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America’s Most Wanted Chickens

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This is the dumbest/awesomest story ever. I feel completely obliterated by it’s ridiculousness, as if, I don’t know, Stephen Seagal fired a tank shell into your brains.

This story involves the meeting of America’s two most out there law men, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the virulent racist/constitution violator who runs the Phoenix Police Department, and Steven Seagal, the guy who used to kick people in the throat in movies before he got too fat to do that any more. Clearly these two make an excellent pair, like Peanut Butter and Jelly with some gun powder, meth and violent Nativism mixed in.

Now, it seems as though in the West Valley neighborhood of Phoenix a man named Jesus Llovera was running a home cockfighting ring, and Sheriff Arpaio needed Steven Seagel, and the camera crew of his show Lawman, to bring this guy to justice. Arpaio then used “a massive show of force” including a SWAT team with “armored vehicles (and) a tank” to execute his search warrant. As you might have guessed, Seagal was driving the tank.

Isn’t this the awesomest thing you’ve ever heard? Well it gets awesomer. Neighbors told the local CBS news that “when the tank came in and pushed the wall over and you see what’s in there, and all it is, is a bunch of chickens.” Llovera’s lawyer, who is clearly a total buzzkill/loser, contends that the Police “had no probable cause to believe Llovera was armed or dangerous” and that using a tank was both unnecessary and cost tax payers “tens of thousands of dollars”. You’ll notice by the way that in this entire story I’m not really writing jokes: the crack team of Arpaio and Seagal did them for me.

So yeah, it’s nice to see that there is still a little theatrics left in Arizona law enforcement. Oh sure they’re still pretty awful and backwards, but better to be racist with a little song and dance, right?

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

March 24, 2011 at 10:41 am

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