E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Admit it, you want him to pole your electorate

with one comment

If nothing else, presidential elections are contests about who we think is the sexxxiest. From Grover Cleveland’s smoldering eyes to Harry Truman’s silky smooth hands, Americans want a presidential candidate with some sizzle.

That’s why the nation as a whole was devastated today to learn that Republican Senator John Thune of South Dakota, that sexy leather muppet, won’t be running for President in 2012. My god look at that man’s hair, eyes and sheygitz good looks! We’re gonna miss fantasizing about his long nights laying nude on bear skin rugs while voting against paying for the health care of 9/11 first responders to ensure that billionaires kept all their Bush era tax cuts. If that’s not romantic, I don’t know what is.

Of course now that Thune has made the incredibly foolish decision not to run, who will perverts now imagine nailing, say, famed conservative hottie Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Newt Gingrich? Ron Paul? That’s disgusting. I suppose we’ll just have to return to imagining her as one of Mitt Romney’s sister wives…

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

February 22, 2011 at 9:05 pm

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