Keep your government hands off my medicare!

The (12 foot long) Italian (Hoagie) Job

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Apple Pie. Baseball. Mom. Hysterical news reports about Sexting. Some things are so uniquely American it makes you want to vomit on a bald eagle or crush it with a Amtrak train.

This crime report from the great and obese state of Michigan is another one of those deeply American stories. After shoplifting $600 worth of electronics, morbidly obese Jerrie Perkins’ crime spree was brought to a halt when her motorized scooter got stuck. At 5’2 and 400 pounds, this pudgy pilferer put up quite a fight with the store’s security, when she reportedly “cursed at the deputy, balled her right hand into a fist and took a fighting stance.” A fighting stance! My god this reminds me of when I when buffalo hunting on the Serengeti.

So to those of us, especially on Fox News, who say that America is losing its way and that we’re becoming a different country, I say to you consider the tale of Ms. Perkins. Fuck the battle at Fort McHenry! This is the story we should be telling in our national anthem.


Written by Your Benevolent Editor

February 14, 2011 at 2:33 pm

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