The (12 foot long) Italian (Hoagie) Job
This crime report from the great and obese state of Michigan is another one of those deeply American stories. After shoplifting $600 worth of electronics, morbidly obese Jerrie Perkins’ crime spree was brought to a halt when her motorized scooter got stuck. At 5’2 and 400 pounds, this pudgy pilferer put up quite a fight with the store’s security, when she reportedly “cursed at the deputy, balled her right hand into a fist and took a fighting stance.” A fighting stance! My god this reminds me of when I when buffalo hunting on the Serengeti.
So to those of us, especially on Fox News, who say that America is losing its way and that we’re becoming a different country, I say to you consider the tale of Ms. Perkins. Fuck the battle at Fort McHenry! This is the story we should be telling in our national anthem.