E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

The (12 foot long) Italian (Hoagie) Job

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Apple Pie. Baseball. Mom. Hysterical news reports about Sexting. Some things are so uniquely American it makes you want to vomit on a bald eagle or crush it with a Amtrak train.

This crime report from the great and obese state of Michigan is another one of those deeply American stories. After shoplifting $600 worth of electronics, morbidly obese Jerrie Perkins’ crime spree was brought to a halt when her motorized scooter got stuck. At 5’2 and 400 pounds, this pudgy pilferer put up quite a fight with the store’s security, when she reportedly “cursed at the deputy, balled her right hand into a fist and took a fighting stance.” A fighting stance! My god this reminds me of when I when buffalo hunting on the Serengeti.

So to those of us, especially on Fox News, who say that America is losing its way and that we’re becoming a different country, I say to you consider the tale of Ms. Perkins. Fuck the battle at Fort McHenry! This is the story we should be telling in our national anthem.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

February 14, 2011 at 2:33 pm

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