E PLURIBUS MORON

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Would you like skim or breast milk in your Latté?

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As Christians reflect on the birth of baby Jesus, it has become clear why the Son of God was an infant “so tender and mild”: because unlike today’s kids he wasn’t jacked up on Monster energy drink.

A study (released just in time for you to buy little Becky or Timmy an espresso maker) has found that 75% of American children under 12 consume caffeine everyday. In fact children between 8 and 12 years old consumer 109 milligrams of caffeine a day on average “which is the equivalent of about three cans of caffeinated soda”. No wonder all kids are on Ritalin these days.

Listen I’m all for Frenching ourselves up by letting kids drink wine and coffee at a young age, but many Americans have ~ahem~ serious over-indulgence issues, and I’m not sure that our country needs and armies of cracked out tweens roaming the streets robbing people for their next macchiato fix.

Wait a minute, could this mean that Justin Bieber is actually just a fantasy created by our nation’s caffeine addled collective mind? NO!!!!!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

December 17, 2010 at 10:18 am

Posted in Food

Tagged with , ,

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