E PLURIBUS MORON

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Finally, the role Zac Efron was born to play!

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Republicans like to invoke Ronald Reagan’s name in the same way Al Qaeda invokes the name of Allah: to do horribly destructive and regressive things. But since every studio turned down my Allah-and-Katherine Heigl-as-sexy-killers film, it looks like The Gipper is gonna get the movie treatment first.

The Hollywood Reporter is reporting that producers are shopping a $30 million biopic about Reagan’s life. The producers have such notable ouvres as “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer”, which I guess is cool because Jessica Alba will play an AWESOME Nancy Reagan.

Let me just make something clear: making a Reagan movie is a really stupid idea. Reagan, despite what the goldleaf heroic fresco above Mitt Romney’s bed may suggest, was and remains a really polarizing figure. No producer, especially anyone that made such a shitty superhero movie, will be able to do this guy justice.

Indeed, you can expect liberals to hate the movie because, unless Reagan is played by an ice cream cone, he won’t be as dumb as liberals remember. Conservatives won’t be happy unless the biopic is just Reagan playing every role in The Expendables. Do these producers really need this level of mishagos, especially during the High Holidays?

How about a nice presidential biopic we can all enjoy: it’ll be called Ford and it will just be two hours of Gerald Ford trying on sweaters.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

September 8, 2010 at 12:03 pm

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