E PLURIBUS MORON

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Too hipster to fail

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Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone? They paved paradise and put up…an American Apparel.

Okay I gonna try and not get weepy and emotional here with this news: American Apparel, who has clothed every hipster softball game and gay subway vogue off, is facing bankruptcy. American Apparel’s shares (undoubtedly printed on thigh high tube socks) are down 66% this year and the company is $91 million (or 910 pairs of their skinny corduroys) in debt thanks to Dov Charney’s mis-management.

As I am wearing a pair of their underwear right now, I’ll be blunt: despite its absurdly high prices, obnoxious faux porn ads, disgusting hiring policies and lecherous CEO, we need American Apparel. Wearing clothes that make a statement sets us apart from the Animals (and Southerners) and without it where would us young urban elites be? H&M that’s where — then we’d just be Europeans with more guns!

Frankly, American Apparel is the only thing keeping Urban Outfitters from total domination of Hipsterdom. To borrow an idea from mortgage firms, American Apparel is simply too obnoxious to fail and need an ironic postmodern bailout. Sometimes it’s necessary to save one moronically offensive brand to save us from the rest.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

August 17, 2010 at 3:47 pm

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