E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

We have now crossed the molten cheese Rubicon

with one comment

Do you worry your kids aren’t eating enough molten cheese products? I sure do.

Cheese in its congealed liquid form is an American birthright, and one restaurant, Friendly’s, is single handedly trying to preserve that noble constitutional right to make your heart explode.

Lately the media has been reporting on Friendly’s Grilled Cheese Burger Melt, which at 1500 calories is a beef patty between two grilled cheese sandwiches. In addition, we’ve heard about the delicious Soft Pretzel Bacon Burger, which instead of a bun uses two soft pretzels and looks like two pretzel gangbanging a hamburger. But those are so ~pause for heart arrhythmia~ banal.

The main event my friends is the newly unveiled 2200 calorie Mac & Cheese Quesadilla for kids, which is “A cheese quesadilla filled with mac and cheese. Add bacon or a Friendly Frank* to get to the next level! (*hot dog contains milk).” The hot dog might contain milk! Dear lord my child’s safety is at risk! Thank goodness we all know that Friendly’s cheese products are almost entirely milk free waxy substances.

So I am gonna go ahead and say that ordering any of these dishes, for yourself or your kids, should count as negligent abuse, if not a full on war crime. Perhaps the real question here is why are there so many stuipid obese Americans who are having sex enough that Friendly’s needs to contemplate adding this stuff to their menu? The only solution I fear is the invention of the cheeseburger flavored condom.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

July 21, 2010 at 3:03 pm

One Response

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  1. […] years of pioneering research into the physical limits of where chefs’ could put cheese (Grilled Cheese Cheeseburgers and Mac-n-Cheese Quesidillas anyone?), the restaurant chain Friendly’s is reportedly planning to file for […]


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