E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Trend Watch: Baby bongs

with 2 comments

Let’s face it: in these tough economic times, you can’t afford to NOT have a cool baby. If I’m looking to hire a new social media coordinator, do you think I am going to hire one with a toddler that ~haha~ is obsessed with trucks or one that already knows how to roll a fat joint? The answer my friends is obvious.

The news lately has had lots of stories confirming that cool babies do drugs. Just this past Monday night a young man was arrested in Texas for letting his 13-month-old baby do bong rips. Remember parents: teach them how to back a bowl first before potty training. Also, a few days before that a Florida mom sent out a photo of her baby also toking up on a bong to a friend of hers, who in response called child services. Guess who just got blocked from a that mom’s Facebook photos?

Now I know what you’re thinking: wow why is my baby so lame? Kids who smoke weed get all sorts of secondary advantages besides looking totally badass, like teaching them early on how delicious massive quantities of hummus can be. Come to think of it, stoners and toddlers/babies aren’t really that different: they sit around all day doing little more than crappy art projects and watching colorful shiny things on TV.

Okay so maybe I am being sarcastic and maybe giving your child drugs is about the lowest, most horrifying thing that a parent could do. But you know what else is awful? Naming your child Jayden. Or making identical twins wear matching clothing. I guess what I am saying is in the pantheon of horrible things American parents do to children, raising them in the South and giving them drugs is but a manifestation of why free condoms are awesome gifts for young people.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 30, 2010 at 2:58 pm

2 Responses

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  1. Didn’t YOUR parents make you and what’s his face wear the same outfits? Just saying…

    leahfranqui

    June 30, 2010 at 10:40 pm

  2. […] of my pulitzer prize reading winning article about Drunk Babies. So back off, okay? That, and babies using bongs, are MY jawn, […]


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