E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

The Twilight vampires come close to finally killing

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You know what sucks about the Twilight franchise, besides, well, everything? The fact that between the smoldering glances, emotionally overwrought acting and the way it’s destroying our children’s future, very few people are ever savagely murdered in the way that vampires should. Taylor Lautner’s abs are a much more ubiqutous image from these films than any awesome bloodless corpses.

That is until now! Sunday night a Colorado woman claimed to have “spotted a vampire in the middle of a dirt road” and was scare of the undead creature she “threw her car into reverse, and crashed into a canal”. A canal? But what happens when she meets a sexy and brooding Swamp monster?

Police say that the woman was not suspected of being intoxicated on either drugs or alcohol at the time of the incident, which if true mostly indicates that America’s overburdened and underpaid local officials have given up on arresting crazy people who are bad liars.

More importantly though it seems to suggest that, just in time for the release of Eclipse, Americans have finally reached their breaking point with all this stupid vampire shit and are just trying to kill themselves to avoid its all-engrossing media presense. If drowning in a canal will save me from the next “Teen Wolf” reboot I’m on board.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 29, 2010 at 1:05 pm

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