E PLURIBUS MORON

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Will they ‘avenge’ the shittyness of Iron Man 2?

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It’s blockbuster season again, and one movie so gigantic is in the works I may actually consider shilling out $18.75 to see it!

I am of course talking about The Avengers movie, a super hero pic so it will destory Hollywood! Mwa ha ha! Anyway for the movie Robert Downey Jr, Don Cheadle, Samuel L. Jackson and Scarlett Johanssen’s breasts are set to reprise their roles from that snoozer Iron Man 2. Throw in  Jeremy Renner as Hawk Man, and you’ve got a surprisingly decent cast. Joss Whedon also is set to direct, so you know they’ll be some nice angsty moments for ScarJo to try to act in and more than one steamy Iron Man-on-Man kiss (spoiler alert: robot condoms). Sounds pretty awesome, right?

Wrong. This being a Hollywood blockbuster there is one gigantic ridiculously stupid catch. Producers have decided to make two movies as a lead up to the Avengers movie. Chris Evans, otherwise known as the cocky douchenozzle from Not Another Teen Movie, is set to play Captain America. Worse than that, Kenneth frickin’ Branagh is set to direct The Mighty Thor, with Miley Cyrus’s ex-boyfriend’s older brother to star in this Aryan wet dream of a movie (Jan Brewer gives it two thumbs up!). To be fair, we should credit that egomaniac Branagh for not casting himself as Thor, nor Robert Deniro as Frankenstein’s monster.

So is it smart or idiotic to try and make two blockbusters just so those characters can be in in a MEGABLOCKBUSTER? Should I just wait for the ULTRABLOCKBUSTER when the Avengers fight the X-Men? The HYPERBLOCKBUSTER when they all taken on the Na’vi???

Well despite what 20th Century Fox may think perfunctory superhero movies aren’t always good: anyone see the super racist Daredevil movie or The Fantastic Four (hey Chris Evans was horrible in that too!)? As a loyal comic book nerd I have to admit I am really excited about the Avengers movie, but I can’t promise I’ll sit through Captain America: The First Avenger or The Mighty Thor.

May I suggest however that Evans and Hemsworth use Gweneth Paltrow’s face and smug sense of self-importance to practice wielding their mighty shields and hammers?

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 4, 2010 at 2:10 pm

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