E PLURIBUS MORON

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He hid the Gun in his Cardigan

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Remember when criminials had badass names like “Machine Gun Kelly”, “Buffalo Bill”, and “Ernest the World’s Cutest Rapist”? Well it seems that the F.B.I has given one criminal a nickname so stupid it’s actually encouraging him to break the law.

Consider the case of the wanted criminal that the F.B.I has named “The Grandpa Bandit”: an older bald man in his late 60s has robbed 21 banks across the southeast that no one seems to be able to catch. I can just picture it now: he rolls into the bank on his scoot-around, spends twenty-five minutes rambling to the “colored girl” at the counter about how the bank owes him $8.43, and then robs the place with a flintlock pistol and a shank made out of a tube of Ben-Gay.

But if this man can only commit his crimes when The Price is Right and 60 Minutes aren’t on, why can’t the F.B.I stop him? Maybe it’s that he’s watched so much N.C.I.S that he’s a step ahead of the police. I think the obvious answer though is that the F.B.I nickname for him has given this crook nickname-based impunity! Calling someone the “Grandpa bandit” makes their crimes seem cute or silly, not dangerous. If he was called “The Silver Fox”  the cops would work a lot harder to catch him. I bet they just let him hop in his 2002 Buick Skylark and drive to his next crime scene at 15 mph with the left turn signal on.

So please, F.B.I, change this criminal’s nickname. We know he lives in the south, is white, male, and over 60, so clearly this money is being funneled to Tea Party Candidates: He needs to be stopped!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 4, 2010 at 10:08 am

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